Kindergarten is looming

I am going to take a break from my catch up posts to talk about what is in front of us right now although my organized nature likes the posts in chronological order my rational self knows it really does not matter.  So I am going to jump around a bit get down what I can and be happy with it.

So kindergarten is looming over our heads.  In our city there is a complicated choice in process that you  honestly start the year before read a ton, visit schools, ask friends, etc etc etc and then you are still a bit confused.  I guess it is a good problem to have so many great schools that you can choose from but honestly overwhelming.  In the end Shawn and I came up with some criteria that are important to us and excluded the rest.  One of the first ones commuting time you see we can choice into any school in the city which is crazy because that could make our commute time for school 45 minutes or more one way.  Since Shawn and I have never commuted to our jobs we are  not going to start with grade school.  We also wanted a school that would be a good fit for Symeon and Marin since we want them together.

Blah Blah Blah there was a list so I spent the good part of the fall touring schools public, charter, and private.  Everyone has their opinions on school believe me I have heard quite a few but when it comes down to it as parents we all just have to do what we think is right for our kids and what matches our values of life.

Since Symeon had told me on multiple occasions that he did  not want to go to kindergarten and I am a  Mama who is anxious to send him I am using the term looming to describe this transition.  I know it is the fear of the unknown for both of us that has us a bit scared.  You know as a Mom I want to raise a confident adveturesome loving child who will bound off to kindergarten with a smile and hopefully a hug but there are these moments when it is dark and quiet and I am looking at him sleeping in his bed that I never want to send him anywhere I can't go with him.  There are these moments when I hope he holds onto me for dear life and I hug him and protect him from the world.  I must confess they are only fleeting moments but they are still there.

Maybe it is hard as mothers because time is so fleeting and it seems like only a few moments ago he was snuggling in my arms as I rocked him to sleep.  I remember so clearly his birth, his first steps, his first bath and whole litany of  his firsts.  I know that when he is sad and sick he still wants me to hold him.  Maybe it is because I love the way his tiny hand feels in mine when we walk together and I am all to aware that someday his hand will be much bigger than mine and it feels like that day is coming so quickly.  Maybe these moments we remember so clearly that he hardly notices make it hard to let go even if it is just a little at a time.  In these moments I am reminded the prayer I prayed many days before Symeon was born and before I knew he was my sweet guy "God please let me hold this child loosely, help me love this child and help me let this child go."  I guess when I prayed this prayer I was thinking more of letting go when he was grown not all the little moments of letting go that would happen through his life but I am holding strong to this prayer help me God please let me hold Symeon loosely, help me love him with my broken never ending love, and God please help me let Symeon go."

The last three words were hard to write but necessary for this Mama especially because he has turned a corner and is excited about kindergarten probably because we cleared up a misconception he had where he believed he would be living at school and not with us anymore.  I told him kindergarten was all day so in his mind he thought he would live there so finally one night when we were getting ready for bed he asked me when he was going to see me since he would be going to kindergarten and who would put him to bed.  I almost started crying when I realized what he thought but he beat me to the tears and said he would miss me to much.  I cuddled him in my lap and explained how kindergarten worked and with a sigh of relief he hugged me.  I probably would not have wanted to go either oh wait I didn't want to go to kindergarten either.

Just a few other stories of kindergarten and life with this amazing little guy who has grown so much this year.  On Sunday he went to his first play date at a friends house all by himself.  He has never wanted to do that but these are good friends who live just a few blocks away so with my cell number tucked in his pocket just in case off he went.  I almost cried when I left him but sucked it up and about 2 hours later a little earlier than we agreed I got a call saying he was ready to come home.  When we were driving home I told him what a great job he did and asked if he had fun.  He  went through all they had done and how much fun he had and then he warmed my heart when he said Mom I had Miss Jess call you because I wanted to come home.  I said yes I know and that is okay you can always call us and we will always come and bring you home.  Then he said Mom I missed you that is why I wanted to come home and I told him I missed him too.  A Mama and her son letting go a little at a time but still missing each other in the process.

On Saturday he had a kindergarten assessment at the one private school we are considering.  I won't go into tons of detail but this school is amazing and the philosophy fits with our values so well.  We are keeping our fingers crossed.   Anyway he went to the class with some other kids for a couple of hours while we chatted with the other parents.  I told him how it would be and he said okay Mom I am good at staying somewhere with out you just like preschool.  Right I said and what happens at the end and he said you always come and get me right.  Good after the time was over he came running out found us hugged us and said I want to go to kindergarten and I really want to go here.  Sigh of relief for us all so we will see.

Change change change fun and hard.  Symeon has a friend at preschool who just recently has caught his eye.  Symeon plays really well with girls probably because of Babes and because he does not like to play rough.  This little girl has been in his class for two years but recently we have seen her at the playground and at dance class.  Well today when we walked into school he saw her and got this silly little smile on his face and whispered her name.  It was so sweet his first crush!  He has other girls he plays with and said hi to them but her name was said with reverence and when she saw him  she got the same silly little grin and said his name as well.  So sweet and like a time warp I flashed ahead so many years and yet stood there watching as she came up to him and he did something silly and she laughed.  He didn't even say good-bye to me and when another little boy tried to call him over he ignored him he only had eyes for Fiona and she only had eyes for him.  My Mama heart melted and I thought ahhh life so full, so wonderful, so much love to give and receive embrace it Symeon enjoy it love it and live it fully.